So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
