I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
