I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
