my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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