she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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