i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
