Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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