I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
