you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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