I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize