i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
