Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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