I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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