??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
