Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
