I didn't shave. On purpose
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
