I looked at my own cervix.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
