You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
