I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
