I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
