Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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