i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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