u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
