I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
