i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
two words: eviction party
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
