When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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