you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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