This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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