All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
