He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
