you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
