Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
