You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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