Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Why can't burritos get me drunk
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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