I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
