Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
