I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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