its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
