I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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