im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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