Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
