You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
there was a trapeze. enough said
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
