My girlfriend figured out who you are.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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