you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
