I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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