So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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