Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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