This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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