i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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