i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
