So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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