$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
