The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize