Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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