My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
