why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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