Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
