I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
